I want to stick my p in your. b.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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