he thought i was a dude.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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