Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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