Are we in a gay sports bar?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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