I just pynch a tree in the face
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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