and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
