So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
