Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
he fucked my hip out of place.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
