Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
How external is "for external use only"?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Randomize
