It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Randomize
