i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Randomize
