Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
