final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
