i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
