id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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