How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
