you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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