last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
The air taste purple.
Randomize
