Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Randomize
