Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
