Umm I'm too high to move.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
