I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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