I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
