you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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