Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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