i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
