dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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