worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Woke up backwards on a recliner
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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