I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
where are my eyebrows?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
