Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
