I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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