I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
