Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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