Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
