The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
