I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
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