Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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