I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
