The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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