You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
my being single is dangerous.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
