I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
