she woke up with a sticky ear
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Randomize
