why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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