I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
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