if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
