I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
