Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
