you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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