Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
dude i'm inner monologue high
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Randomize
