I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
