Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
