Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
