i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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