I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
