just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Randomize
