I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
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He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
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I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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