yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
where are my pants?
in the oven.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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