If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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