Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
